Work It! Work It!

{November 9, 2011}   WTF

Today was tone 30. I was literally on the verge of bawling after almost every exercise. I wanted to laid down on the floor and cry my eyes out.

I tried to do really well on my diet today. I even took a shake to my Grandma’s when I went to visit. Unfortunately about 20 minutes later I was still starving. Now I realize it was probably because I didn’t have my usual big glass of water with it.

I ended up eating left over meat loaf and cheesy potatoes.

I feel so fat today. I even told myself this morning, when I noticed that I had a neck roll as I was combing my hair, that that’s the reason I’m working out. Eventually it will go away, if I stop it will only get worse.

I feel like my stomach is getting even bigger.

I kept thinking, though out my work out, about how last time, when I was doing really well, even with my eating, I didn’t have the changes that other people have in their before, month 1, month 2, and after photos. I didn’t look any different. I lost 7.6 lbs in 6 weeks.

I know, it’s better than nothing, but I could lose more weight with just weight watchers and sitting on my ass.

I know, I was gaining muscle mass. Maybe.

By the last 10 minutes I was feeling better though. I started noticing a few things to like about my body. My calves look nice and lean when I do a certain exercise. During that same exercise my arms look lean and muscular. Kind of like I want them to look when I’m not doing any exercise at all.

When I was driving earlier today, my wrist looked like a thin person’s wrist.

Why is it that I don’t really start hating my body until I start trying to change it?

I was so mad at myself for gaining so much in the first place. If I could go back to October 2007 I would tell myself, under no circumstances should you move 2 hours away from your school!

I can’t change the past and I know I just have to keep going.

Tomorrow I was planning on going to paint with Lynn, but I’m staying home. I’m not letting myself fuck up my diet at all. I have to get over this shitty mood. I am leaving for Florida on Thursday and I don’t want being away from home and my bad attitude to combine and keep me from working out while I’m gone. I can already feel myself planning on skipping the work outs. That’s not acceptable. I have to stick to my work outs. I’m almost finished with the month. This is day 2 of week 3. I have a little over a week and a half to go.

Even my inspiration board was making me depressed.

Maybe this bad attitude is my fat’s version of “I’m melting, I’m melting. What a world! What a world!”

Yeah, that’s what it is.


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